Crazy Sh-tuff wives say

My wife is a tailgater. We have had numerous discussions about this habit. In fact,she once tailgated a cop who pulled over,let her pass,then pulled her over and gave her a warning...and she was PISSED..."I wasn't tailgating!"...Ya,so he just did that to mess with you?

This morning...I'm dawdling before I tackle one of my myriad problems. A couple of those problems are giving me some real stress. Wifey calls to tell me she thinks there's something wrong with her brakes. She's had the shoes replaced 3 times in 80k miles and now "they're making noises" when applied...She wanted to know why she keeps needing new brakes. I just replied "I don't know. Pay attention to them and maybe set up an appointment to have Kevin look at them. ... Have fun shopping".

I'm proud of myself.

(edit) I could have mentioned her tendency to speed in residential areas as well as her chronic tailgating habit. I could have mentioned that one day last week she drove me to get one of my trucks and I saw she got up to 36mph on the 2 blocks between stop signs...."Drive like that and you'll go thru brakes like a fat kid goes thru candy"...and since she has battled weight issues...and has repeatedly asked me to stop calling our 18lb cat "Big Fat Fatty" because "it's mean"...so sometimes I call it our "BFF".

My wife was  driving to our cottage up north to the cottage last week and got pulled over.  (My guess was she was driving too slow)

Cop- do you know why i pulled you over?

Wife- I assume I was speeding 

Cop - you don’t have a front license plate.

Wife - did not know I needed one, I have had this car for years and never got pulled over before!

Cop gave her written warning for both speeding and no license plate on the front. Guess I know what I will be doing this weekend.

Wife - “there are a ton of little red ants on the couch on the patio!”
Me - “ok, I’ve got some insect spray”
Wife - “NO!  That will ruin the couch, use Lysol spray or something else”
Me - “ummmm, okay.  I’ll put some ant killer granule's around the edge of the patio too”
Wife - “NO! That’ll track on to the patio”
Me - “ok, but then maybe you need to stop eating chips on the couch”
Wife - “Maybe you need to learn how to eliminate the ants outside”

Is it beer time yet?!!! 

HG Looking like its a county wide issue

Maybe I'm missing something, but I was just snapped at for putting my coffee mug on an end table without a coaster...because it will burn the table.

I really like Texas toast. Where do they find such thick beead?

Would you like to stop at the grocery store after work and pick up a few things?

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Thought I would post this on this thread because what she would have said if I had shown her the picture. Thought I'd save myself an earful and not show her. I always knew she had some devil in her.

Are you gonna help me clean the house today?

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The wife and I were at a family b-day party last week.
My nephew had one of those super sized black Sharpie permanent markers available for people to put their names on their plastic cups. I mean this thing had a tip at least 1/2" wide. Of course everyone starting sniffing the tip and saying that it reminded them of grammar school.

Here's what happened next:

-Our son starts  smelling the pen and acts woozy.
-My wife gets perturbed and tells our son to stop "huffing" the pen because he's killing his brain cells and just get her a cup of wine.
-While she's sipping her cup of
wine she keeps complaining about how everyone huffing the Sharpie has now filled the house with a dangerous odor...
-After a few giggles from us, I told her she was smelling her own cup with her name written on it !


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Punt. Wife.  ''Why is he kicking it there, there's nobody there.''

Polski: I got one better.  Turn the clock back to the season we went 15-1 OK?  We had first round bye and in the divisional round faced the wild-card Giants.  Remember that debacle?  Anyway, game is over (we lost) and I'm in the garage putting away my deep fryer and my wife says, "Don't worry, we'll get them in the playoffs."

Uhhh, yeah.